Well, we almost did it guys. We almost got Archie to quit boxing but NOPE! At the last second, Veronica had to convince him to get back in the ring. So clearly, Veronica hates us. But I’m getting ahead of myself. The boxing debate begins at the start of the episode, when we learn that Randy Ronson died following his fight with Archie. (The upside for Ronson? He no longer has to watch this Archie boxing plot!)
Of course Archie blames himself, despite the fact that Fred — in Luke Perry’s final scene on the show — tries to tell his son that the drugs are the reason Randy died. “You’re innocent,” Fred tells his son. But Archie doesn’t believe him, and so he vows to quit boxing like the red-headed tease he is. And before Archie can finish crying about life, Mad Dog calls him and tells him to get rid of the “just in case” drugs he gave him because the police just did a sweep of Elio’s gym. But Archie going to the gym only makes matters worse, because he gets caught with the drugs IN HIS HAND. Truly, this guy could not be any dumber than he already is.
Once Veronica bails Archie and Mad Dog out of jail, she shows them video footage of Elio telling everyone that Archie supplied the drugs that killed Ronson. To fight back, Veronica has both Archie and Mad Dog take drug tests, but when they pass, Ronson’s sisters show up at the press conference and slap him. Then Archie, the IDIOT, says he’s “so sorry.” Don’t apologize for something you didn’t do!!!! Somebody needs to shut this kid up.
When Elio denies Ronson’s sisters the insurance money from the fight, Archie decides to give them his prize money. Additionally, Veronica and Josie put on a benefit concert at the speakeasy. So all’s well that ends with money, I guess?
It’s at that concert that Josie, who’d previously asked her father to take her on tour with him, proves herself. After her performance — which really could’ve used some choreography help because she did not know what to do with her hands — her father, who clapped a little too long tbh, invites her to go on tour … starting the next day.
When Josie delivers the news to Archie, she tells him they were never endgame, so it’s okay. He asks if she’ll come back, to which she says “maybe, we’ll see,” which directly translates to: We’ll see how my spin-off does. Speaking of Katy Keene, Josie tells Archie her future is “somewhere out there … maybe New York.”
Archie then ends the episode with a pep talk from Veronica, who tells him that he isn’t Riverdale’s Reaper — Elio’s nickname for him — but rather its Red Hope. To that I say, booooo! It makes no sense. However, Archie has bigger problems, because thanks to a secret sauna meeting between Elio and Hiram, it looks like Hiram is done with that truce of theirs.
And that brings us to the second storyline of the episode: Betty discovers some SERIOUS TEA. First things first, Betty asks Hiram to transfer her father to one of the “waterfront rooms” at his prison. WATERFRONT ROOM. AT A PRISON. There’s no way every inmate isn’t escaping this prison. Anyway, Hiram agrees, which frees Betty up to do some digging into Evelyn’s background. Betty’s in a bit of a panic after Toni tells her that, following Alice and Edgar’s wedding, Edgar will adopt Juniper and Dagwood, and while part of me thinks it’s sweet that he would adopt children with names like Juniper and Dagwood, he does realize he’d be adopting his STEP-GRANDCHILDREN right?! (I realize that he does, and that, my friends, is the problem.)
After reading Evelyn’s file, Betty discovers that Evelyn has been traveling from school to school posing as a junior for years. She’s been 17 for more than a decade at this point, which might make her a vampire? And when Betty asks Ms. Weiss to do some digging, she gets more than she bargained for because — wait for it! — Evelyn isn’t Edgar’s daughter. SHE IS HIS WIFE!!! (She’s also 26.)
Next up, Betty enlists the help of Penelope to save the twins from Edgar, and she … sort of helps. Penelope negotiates with the Farm: They give her Dagwood, and Juniper stays. In other words, Penelope walks out with “Jason Jr.” So Betty has no choice: She has to break into the Farm and save Juniper. Toni helps her get in, but it’s all a trick. It seems Toni is now drinking the Kool-Aid, and Betty learns that her mom knows about Edgar’s marriage to Evelyn. So yeah, we’re getting into some real David Koresh stuff now.
Edgar then tries to convince Betty to join them, because, as he tells her, “everyone in your life is here in this room,” including her best friend Kevin, her mom, Polly, Cheryl. Ummm little word of advice, homeboy, NONE OF THOSE PEOPLE are Betty’s favorites. Her bestie is Veronica, and she’d pick Archie and Jughead over her mom and Polly any day of the week. Also, Cheryl?! LOL. Edgar doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I think he needs to watch some Riverdale…
And yet it almost works? But just before Betty can fall under Edgar’s trance, she remembers LEVITATING BABIES and runs away. She then ends the episode by finding out that there was an accident during her father’s transfer and … he’s dead. So yeah, not a great episode for Betty.
That brings us to the biggest story of the episode: The Joneses working together to save Jellybean. In order to save her, they have to play a round of G&G, the outcome of which will determine Jellybean’s fate. Kurtz leads them through it, and with the first challenge, Gladys is forced to tell FP that she’s the new drug dealer in town. FP’s unable to do anything about it now because they need to finish the game, but he tells her that she’s the reason Kurtz kidnapped their daughter and “there will be a reckoning” once Jellybean is home and safe.
Their next quest is simple: They have to rob Pop’s. (Poor Pop’s! I mean, honestly, is there not a pawn shop or a gas station in town?!) But things go terribly wrong when Pop’s pulls a gun and shoots FP, now the second member of the Hot Dads of Riverdale to be shot in that diner. Jughead then removes his mask to get Pop’s to stop, but he and Gladys are forced to leave FP behind. (He’s fine, don’t worry.)
An angry Jughead then takes Gladys and Kurtz to the bunker — way to show your sketchy mom your secret hideout, dude! — where they get their next challenge: Trial with the cyclops. And surprise! The cyclops is Penny Peabody because Gladys chose not to kill her, but instead, to take one of her eyes. And now, both women are armed with some dagger-type things, and even bigger surprise! Gladys is Xena? I’m sorry, how does she just know how to do this? Did Ra’s al Ghul train her alongside Bruce Wayne?
In the end, Gladys wins the fight and leaves Penny with a dagger in her leg, but Gladys isn’t unharmed, so Jug takes her to the hospital. Jug then finishes the game on his own. Essentially, in their millionth challenge of the day — honestly this game takes longer than Monopoly — Kurtz makes Jug get into a freezer. Kurtz calls Jellybean to prove she’s okay, so Jug gets in, at which point Kurtz gives the order to kill the princess and shuts the door in Jug’s face. (He should’ve seen that coming.)
But don’t worry! Not only does Jug bust his way out of the freezer — only to discover the Gargoyle King killed Kurtz — but he gets home to find Jellybean unharmed. Additionally, attorney McCoy finds a way to get FP out of jail for the robbery, and Gladys makes a decision: She’s leaving town, but Jellybean is staying.
And that brings us to the end of a very eventful hour. Here’s to hoping the final episode of the season provides some answers about the Farm, the Gargoyle King, and how in the world we can get Archie to stop boxing.
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